Happy Thursday, dear readers. And a blindingly bright, frigid one it was. Today we continue our saga of some interesting personal developments here in Minaland, as Joe and I discover some things about ourselves and each other.
As per a recent post about an interval of re-evaluation The Man and I went through — something I do both for personal reasons and with regards to the larger sphere of our life every few years anyway — Joe and I engaged in what was one of the most surprising and honest discussions we’ve ever had. How it could have been that surprising, yet still have what was a not-unexpected outcome is due partly to the fact that we just KNOW each other. I call it the Psychic Thing; we’ve been regularly reading each others’ minds since Day 1. Thus, when this came up, neither of us was entirely shocked by the direction things took.
And the direction things took, by mutual agreement, is what’s called an open marriage. Non-monogamy. All the reasons are rather too personal for the likes of this blog but suffice to say, it’s not because anything’s wrong — it’s because things are so damn right. We reached a point of such perfect trust, love and acceptance that neither of us could possibly imagine — especially after having been through so much together already — that anything could change that, up to and including a raunchy night out with someone else.
The discussion initially began with jokes about allowing each other “a night off.” A night in which we permit the other to go be single for a night. Which was kind of silly as hell, in terms of execution. What would we do, stand on a street corner screaming “I’ve got 6 hours, bitches! Who wants to fuck me??” Um, no lol.
The things turned to a more serious conversation about swingers we’d known, our own experiences in the grey area between full monogamy and being purely single (prior to each other), things we believed, values we shared and yes a few snickers on both our parts about hmm, gee what if I found myself a 25 yr old boytoy and he found himself a harem lol…. One thing I’ve always loved about Joe and I is that we both have very similar sexual histories. Neither of us has ever looked at the other and felt “left out” by the fact that one got to experience something the other didn’t and may never.
Which moved things entirely to the subject of alternatives to monogamy. One thing we both agreed on was that there was more to it than just wanting to fuck someone else, that it’s a mindset we both might find beneficial for different reasons. Neither of us could imagine hitting a bar then just walking off with a stranger. Another thing we agreed on was that often, most of the fun of getting to know new lovers is the entire process of getting to know someone and building the intimacy that makes it possible to even lead to sex. That flirtatious sense of anticipation is something we both find intensely sexy…but cannot feasibly be sustained past a certain point in a committed relationship.
Therein of course, lies the scary part: building that intimacy, consciously, with someone else. Letting someone else IN — to our lives and our thoughts. By contrast, letting them into our pants is a relatively small fucking detail.
To make a seriously long-ass story short, we agreed to try it. We spent days debating, discussing, mulling, pulling “worst case scenarios” out of our butts and extrapolating of course, before reaching that point of agreement but also to hammer out basic ground rules to ensure that our primary relationship, US, remains intact, and that nothing breeches its integrity.
These ground rules are probably only going to be of interest to others contemplating the same situation but I know I was curious and did some research before a few of our discussions and it was helpful to see how other couples operated. In a nutshell, here are a few of ours:
- No overnights.
- No bringing anyone to our house (and thus our bed). Our home is our home.
- No ex’s or anyone we know at all. New friends only.
- Unless directly asked, discretion on both our parts. Neither of us really feels a need for details yet, although we’re having fun seeing each other have fun, unless a milestone is breached, like having sex with someone else for the first time.
And of course there are a few more that no one will care about but us.
Let’s be honest (as Joe and I were with each other): love and marriage is a beautiful thing, but once you exit the Infatuation Stage during which you’re absolutely blinded by adoration for each other to the point of not being able to even SEE anyone else, then enter the Deep Love stage, it dawns on you all over again that wow, there are some OTHER sexy people out there! Gee, imagine a no-strings quickie with this one? Or that one? Or both? Hell, I distinctly recall a period of NHL Goalie Gangbang fantasies that were an absolute joy to masturbate to that Joe also enjoyed hearing about.
But oops, noooo….that would be wrong, wouldn’t it, after all, we’re married…or so you tell yourself, which is of course, 100% true. You’re married and you’ve agreed that that flash of attraction you feel for others from time to time is inappropriate, wrong, and just may even indicate that you’re a Bad Person for feeling it.
But you’re not a bad person and it doesn’t mean you’re going to “weaken” and cheat on your spouse. That certainly wasn’t the case for us. It just means you’re human and even after marriage, the world remains full of interesting people who are going to attract you from time to time. It doesn’t have to mean you’re a raging slut (or asshole) who can’t be faithful to your partner. You’re married, but you’re not fucking dead.
And so far, so good. We’re each having fun in our own way, but we’re also enjoying seeing each other have fun, which to my mind is almost more important. He’s doing his thing (which is his business and which I will not get into here) and I’m doing my thing.
The details of which (IF I decide to go there) are another day’s post however. But there we are. Already, it’s having some beneficial effect that I think we both see and which (as you may have guessed) had a little something to do with last week’s Fuck Fest, in which we were at each other constantly. What excitement this has generated from the get-go immediately went right back to each other and I do believe it’s going to be an interesting few months.
And of course, you’ll get to hear about some of it. Wish us happy hunting.
Mina xoxox
